*Disclaimer: this does not reflect any of the author’s personal experiences, who just recently passed her driver’s test after a considerably smooth 9-month period of learning to drive.
**Nor does the author believe in the claims made in this text, being a teenager herself.
Getting a driver’s license is one of the hallmarks of adolescence, symbolic of the freedom your child desperately craves, and the responsibility you dread to bestow. Regardless, the 6-month period in which your child must learn to drive epitomizes the epic and ancient power struggle between confused adolescents and well-intentioned parents. The precarious yet momentous situation that transpires in this time requires you, the experienced teacher, to convey all of your knowledge upon your disciple without upsetting their turbulent emotions. If you follow the instructions outlined in this guide, you can release your child into the world as a responsible and capable driver, saving yourself the daily struggle of having to transport them from place to place. However, if you don’t, you run the risk of under preparing your child for the perilous difficulties of driving, which could result in costly insurance, injury, or even death.
The first step in successfully teaching your child to drive involves sitting down at a table and staging a formal lecture of all the possible ways to perish on the road, complete with photos and videos. This ensures that they fully understand the potential dangers of driving. Do not forget to mention road rage induced serial killings, spontaneous engine explosions, and, most importantly, the dangers of wearing a scarf while driving– it can get caught in the wheel of the car and break your child’s neck, which happened to the dancer Isadora Duncan in 1927 (“Dancer Isadora Duncan”). Although this primary step may seem excessively terrifying, you must also remember that 56% of teens have confessed to talking on their phone while driving (“11 Facts About Teen Driving”), which both distracts the driver and triggers an increase in your child’s rebellious attitude. Feel free to mention these statistics, along with any others you may find on a quick Twitter search, in order to really drive home your point about safety.
In the next step of teaching your child how to drive, you must enter the vehicle and turn everything on, while they wait a safe distance of 5 to 8 yards away. Make sure you keep the keys with you at all times during this process, as you do not want to give your student the unnecessary responsibility of holding such instruments of power. Stay in the driver’s seat and only allow your student to approach once everything functions properly. Then, cautiously slide to the passenger seat without exiting the vehicle, in case the brakes fail and the car begins moving. Your student can now enter the vehicle.
The following stage consists of “backing up,” in which your student must put the car in reverse and exit the driveway of your house. Make sure to monitor this process very carefully because your child could easily become power hungry from having control over the car. To prevent this from happening, feel free to put the car in reverse for them. Throughout this whole process, you must keep one hand on the steering wheel, guiding the vehicle, and the other on the emergency break. If you struggle with this step, or your child professes frustration or arrogance about their driving, move to the driver’s seat and assume control over the car while your student watches from a safe distance of 10-12 yards away.
Now that you have exited the driveway, you can begin sharing the road with other drivers, all of whom you should consider potential threats to the sanctity of your teaching. Identify these threats to your student by rolling down the window and screaming at them. You can also use hand gestures if necessary to corroborate your argument. During this time, however, you must also supervise the actions of your child, as they too should be considered a potential threat when on the road. Treat them with the same caution, and let them know after they make a dangerous error by screaming at them in a loud voice. This will keep them from repeating that error in the future, while also preparing them for the chaotic conditions of the road.
Next, you must teach your child to follow directions so they can navigate on their own. GPS systems and other new technology do not function reliably, so pull out your map and pick a route. When your student needs to complete a turn or perform a different driving maneuver, give them no more than two seconds notice. This will build their reflexes, so they can better react to perilous road conditions in the future.
Finally, you must finish your lesson by parking the car. The driving test does not require students to park, so pull the emergency break and ask your student to exit the car. Instruct them to stand a safe distance of 15 yards away. Then you can resume your position behind the steering wheel, and conduct the car into the parking spot in a timely manner. After you have parked, think to yourself congratulations, because you have successfully finished teaching your student how to drive in a safe, aware, and responsible manner.
“11 Facts about Teen Driving.” DoSomething.org,
“Dancer Isadora Duncan Is Killed in Car Accident.” History.com, A&E Television Networks, 13
Nov. 2009, www.history.com/this-day-in-history/dancer-isadora-duncan-is-killed-in-car-accident.